I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
