i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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