I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
