after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
