Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
