The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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