i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Randomize
