the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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