I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I came so hard my ears popped.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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