I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Green mimosas i think yes
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
