I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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