I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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