So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
