I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
