Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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