i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
