I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
my liver is dry heaving
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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