Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
