No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize