I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize