Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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