i don't like sucking hair
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize