Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
