can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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