get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
