I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
you had me at cake vodka
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
