Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
