you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize