You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
