clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
