i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
