Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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