What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think I am morally bankrupt
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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