I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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