I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
