do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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