the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
The ass gains better be worth it
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