That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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