At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
My legs feel like baby dolphins
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
