my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
