I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
