Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
