When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
