IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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