I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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