apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Randomize
