I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
