just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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