I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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