I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
