dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize