Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
