Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
