got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
