Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
