dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I wear drunk well.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
