Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
