I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
