apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
You can't motorboat a personality
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
